Food has never been my friend. Let's be honest, food isn't most people's friend, but in my case, we are more like enemies. I have always been on the bigger side of the fence. No, I'm not obese but I'm also not rail thin either. Let's just say I'm described as thick. Fine, here are my stats: age - 29, height - 5'6ish", weight - 180lbs.
I remember always being teased about my weight as a child by both family members and friends. I actually have haunting memories of my dad calling me a fat b!tch which still stays with me - I'm working on that issue. I remember clearly it was the summer before junior high when I decided I wasn't going to be fat anymore, and that was when the eating disorders came into place. I stopped eating, except for a salad at lunch, some ice cream, and a bowl of soup for dinner. For the longest time we rarely had family dinners, so it was really easy for me to lie and tell my dad that I had eaten more than soup for dinner.
Then I developed exercise bulimia, which I honestly didn't know I had until much later in life. I would eat something and then I would instantly have to exercise. I always ended up running to the bathroom shortly after I started working out. I didn't realize this was me subconsciously trying to get the food out of my body as quickly as possible. I just felt the need to exercise as soon as I ate something.
Next stop full on bulimia when I left for England. By then I had stopped starving myself and starting purging. I was so depressed when I started at boarding school for a multitude of reasons that I just kept eating to numb the pain I was feeling. I stopped exercising and I stuffed my stomach with sweets galore. One of my roommates was kind enough to show me how to puke up my food after I ate, which started a bulimic habit that to this day I still have to battle with. I found that I was purging my food at least three times a day, if not more. It was how I coped with the stress of classes and being away from the people who I loved so very much, but pushed away because I didn't know how to cope with being away from them. I remember that is when I really shut down emotionally, and I could control myself through purging. The funny part is that I didn't lose any weight during my time as a bulimic. I did, however, learn that when I became overwhelmed and/or over emotional I could stick something down my throat and throw up all of my pain.
It has been 10 years since I last went on a purging spree. In between that time I also went up and down dramatically in weight. Every day is a challenge for me and dealing with my eating disorders. I have to consciously work on eating when I get too stressed, or I have to keep myself from purging when I've eaten too much. But I do have slip ups. Especially during times where I feel like I have no control over my life. But those times are far and few in between.
Sadly, I never really learned how to eat healthily. I have never been able to walk away from a dessert and not hate myself afterwards for giving in to my addiction to sugar. I haven't been educated about what to eat in order to stay healthy. So I'm on a mission to educate myself on how to eat healthy and practice what I've learned. My goal is to be the healthiest version I can be, and to teach my son how to eat well, too. And what better way to teach him than by leading by example, right?
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